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Awkward conversations today. Discussed with Jake that no, I will not have a threesome with him and his girlfriend. Led to a discussion on monogamy with Ness that was interesting. While I've found it slightly more difficult of late, I still believe in it wholeheartedly, whereas she's not quite as much a romantic there. Doesn't really change anything, though. She made sure to state that she wouldn't sleep around or anything, and that she feels she doesn't need to. Ugh, I feel sick and cold.

Cranked out a short story last night that burst out of my fingertips from nowhere. I'm also jonesing for something set in the 20s with guns and speakeasies and fancy beaded dresses. 

I need more friends that are not in the computer. 
 I've decided that I need something to rant at this isn't Sheezy, that isn't my blog, that is a thing I can rant to.

So here goes.

I AM CURRENTLY ALL KINDS OF JEALOUS OF ANYONE WHO HAS A LOCAL OR AT LEAST REACHABLE SIGNIFICANT OTHER. I figure, the first step to getting over something is admitting it, right? So yes, I'm jealous. And when I'm jealous, it's not just a feeling. It's disgusting, dirty, angry, violent. In essence, no, not really a good thing.

Hopefully this helps me some. Goddammit, I really wish I wasn't in love with a girl in Canada. But it feels good to love this way again, and to feel loved. This is the first time I've been in love since the Dana fallout, and the first time I've felt even close to all right in the past year or so. But goddammit she lives so far away now. I need a passport. I'm considering asking Mom if I can go visit her in the summer or vice-versa.

Waiting for December rather impatiently. I can't wait to see her, to touch her, and hopefully, to kiss her. I don't think I can quite explain the hollow feeling in my chest right now. It's corny, but there you have it.

i never really remember to update my lj, and no one really looks at it, so i'm probably not going to post here anymore.



Pasted from Nee's Journal:

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!

My choice.
For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I make.
* What I create will be just for you.
* It'll be done this calendar year.
* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
* You have no clue what it's going to be.

The catch: You have to put this in your journal as well.
(You don't have to... but why not spread the creativity around?!)

You are The Fool

The Fool is the card of infinite possibilities. The bag on the staff indicates that he has all he need to do or be anything he wants, he has only to stop and unpack. He is on his way to a brand new beginning. But the card carries a little bark of warning as well. Stop daydreaming and fantasizing and watch your step, lest you fall and end up looking the fool.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

The ironic part is that LJ sent me an email with updates, like it normally does, but they were about Janet, who I thought I'd taken off my LJ. So I went to her page to remedy the situation and saw the quiz, and I like quizzes like this. So I took it. And I'm the Fool. xD She's so bitter, if she sees this, she'll laugh her ass off.

Go suck a lemon, Janet, it's sweeter than you.






But I will have some pictures to put up when I get back, I promise. Like, palms trees and some baby alligators.
so um

someone that i've actually been in love with for like, a year, but couldn't really be with just asked me out

and here i thought things were going well. now they are going alshnfksdjagbhga amazing.

i fucking love life.
oh, look, i'm staying up too late

i can tell because i'm looking way too much into things

and getting that helpless sinking feeling

like nothing matters

and not sure how i feel about certain things that i'm finding out

i think i revert when i get this tired

'cause man, some old feelings?

they're floating around, i tell you, and i don't like that shit at all. it's time to go to bed.
i think i blame everything on my lack of sleep

so when i wake up

something's there to take the blame.

i've been reading way too much of A Softer World.

First off, I'd like to say, Janet, if you're still looking at this, stop. It won't do you any good. And it's fucking creepy.

So I haven't written anything in...two weeks? XD I've been drawing like crazy though--well, sketching, actually. I haven't really finished anything in a while.

All I can really do is SKETCH, and SKETCH I've been doing. I did a big sketch dump of stuff from the past couple of days, it's over on my
Sheezy if y'all want to see. Those are all characters that are like...three years old now. I still love every one of them XD Actually, they're probably my favorites of all time, even over Shali and Fallon. Blah, I'm roleplaying way too much nowadays. It's no wonder I haven't been writing.

I failed NaNoWriMo bigtime. Didn't even try. XD It was almost as bad as my epic Girl Month failure. Three days in, I was like UGH NO MORE.

Let's see, what else...I found my thermal Pyramid Head shirt buried deep in my closet, which is awesome.

Mom bought me some thermal pants so I don't freeze during school, also awesome.

Uh...I've got a new story. I'm trying to write some lesbians again. Each time I do, it comes out awful. That's why stick with my boys, and the semi-straight couples (Trigger with her extreme preference for women lol).

My hair smells good.

Oh, our kitchen, which has pretty much been out of commission since last April, is nearing completion. Soon, we will no longer have to do dishes in the sink!

I think that's about it. Not much else is interesting in my life, you know.
I did that Colorgenics thing. Like Nee said, it's scarily accurate.

Name: Elliot
Date: 12/2/2008
Colorgenics Number: 26504317

You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a 'kick-up-the backside') and then you'll be raring to go.

At this time you 'need to be needed' and again you 'need to need'. You have had this feeling for some time now and you are looking for someone who could share a close bond in an atmosphere of shared intimacy. You have the belief that with the right person you could conquer the world.

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.

It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.

You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material."

Hm, interesting. I like how parts of this conflict. Which is true to my nature.
Bleh. Bleh bleh bleh bleh.


So it's official, Janet and I are broken up. I even BLOCKED HER ON AIM GUYS, LIEK, OMG.

The great thing about her living so far away? I never have to see her again. I don't have to deal with any of her overdramatic crap.


Ugh. So that's over. Moving on.

I've been up late the past...three nights? Talking to Dana, mostly. XD I think it's hilarious that I hated her guts for so long, and now she's one of my best friends again. We've been RPing. Again. Same old characters, new tune.

Yeah, you heard me. That epic, 3-year long RP?


I've been drawing all those old characters again. I'm on hiatus from most of my projects at the moment; Unlikely hit a standstill when I stopped being able to think of what to do, I hate what I've done to DR, and new stories are all blaaaaaaaaah.

I have been drawing, though.

Random quiz for you!

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Sunday nidoqueenlolz and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In October I helped littlevin see the light (8 points). In November I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). Last Monday I ruled Asscrackistan as a cruel and heartless dictator (-700 points). In July I committed genocide... Sorry about that, what_is_why (-5000 points).

Overall, I've been naughty (-5723 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking!


Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:
ohhhhhhhh fuck.

fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

i'm pretty much okay, but on the verge of trying to do something that probably won't end well, but i have to do it for my own sanity, and also, because the perpetuation would be really shitty.

fooooooooook. can't think of how to do it non-shittily. i could just man up and be an asshole.

blaaaah blah blah.

lolz, prelude to asshole-ish-ness. go me.
so i told my mom last night i was depressed. she wasn't much help, kept blowing me off and saying that i was being over-dramatic because i didn't want to go to school.

i had this crystal clear thought of "Dad has a gun in his room. i could use that."

but instead, i turned on my phone and started iming Dana.

don't know why her, in particular. just kinda did. maybe it's because we're friends again? i dunno.

things aren't going so well with me. stressed because of school, stressed because i'm fat, i'm a bad artist, i can't write, etc.

i shouldn't stay up late anymore. it's fucking with my brain.

once the piled-up shit falls over, i'll feel better. just have to make it through all that first.

There will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
Until then, I walk in the dark.

So, I need to sleep more. When I'm tired, I emorant a lot, as made obvious by that last post. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Um, currently being a worrywart 'bout Janet. :<

And it's still cold.

My bones will be set in stone and made perfect by the frost
I will be a monument, no matter what the cost

Ah, being phased out.

I figured it would happen, what with her going off to college and everything, but I'd hoped it would at least take a bit longer.

I'm no longer really in her plans. Nope, nope, nope.

I don't even know how to bring it up, hence putting it in an LJ journal where she's bound to read it sometime soon. Ahaha, I'm such a coward.

I shouldn't really mind. I mean, she's happy. I'm not exactly, but hey, I'm used to that. I'm the martyr 'round these here parts, for anyone and everyone's happiness!

She'll probably say, "Caitlin, you're still one of my best friends, I love youuuuu," and that may be true for now.

But, if it changes, I won't really blame her. Can't, actually. Not like she willingly goes, "Hm, I think I like that one for my best friend." I mean, who does?

Bah, maybe I'm just being emo. Must be the black turtleneck I'm wearing. And the cold fingers that I've been complaining about. And the tooth that's randomly decided to hurt. And life, life, life, and everything else I can blame it on.

It's okay if Ashen replaces me. Just don't rub it in my face, okay?

I'm so tiiiiiiiiiiiiired

i guess sleeping could help that.

and my fingers are cold, i guess getting up and not sitting here and typing would help that.

dog won't stop BARKING
and, well, nothing much will help that XD

uh, let's see. i did some more on Fenrir today, and i love it. i need to finish the wings on my other drawing. i'm still COLD.
I: Xemnas

[x] You are the leader most of the time.
[x] You like black.
[x]  You wished/wish you were someone else.
[x] You don't listen to others.
[x] You like doing research.

II. Xigbar:

[x] You have bad eyesight.
[ ] You like throwing things at others when angry.
[x] You wish you were able to teleport.
[ ] You wear your hair in a ponytail.
[ ] You have/wish you had a gun

III. Xaldin:

[x] You like windy days.
[ ] You have tried to steal something precious from someone.
[ ] You like dragons.
[x] You have/like dreadlocks.
[x] You've tried to anger someone on purpose.

IV. Vexen

[x] You are disrespected by the young ones.
[ ] Someone has already considered you a traitor.
[ ] You are the oldest of your group.
[x] You like experiments.
[ ] You like cold days.

V. Lexaeus

[x] You are not very talkative.
[ ] You like brain games.
[x] People are afraid of you because of your appearance.
[ ] You prefer heavy weapons rather than light ones.
[x] You are very strong, physically speaking.

VI. Zexion

[x] You love reading.
[x] You are not very sociable.
[x] You are one of the shortest of your group. (NO, I'M ONLT 5-FOOT. WHATCHU THINK?)
[ ] You have a very sensible nose.
[ ] You like to elude others. (wtf?)

VII. Saïx

[x] You have double-personality issues
[x] You are more active during night rather than day.
[ ] You like werewolves.
[x] Your superior trusts you.
[ ] You have a scar on your face.

VIII. Axel

[x] You are somewhat a pyromaniac.
[x] You care deeply for your best friends.
[x] You are a two-faced when you need to.
[x] You don't like when people don't remember your name.
[ ] You have a very fiery personality.

IX. Demyx

[x] You like music.
[ ] You know how to play a guitar. (I wish D:)
[x] You like rainy days. (depends on the day, but usually, yeah)
[x] You like swimming. (SWIMMING FOR THE WIN)
[x] You are usually a very happy person. (Not very happy, but happy enough.)

X. Luxord

[ ] You like playing cards.
[x] You like to gamble.
[x] Your favourite color is gold. (One of them.)
[ ] You have stolen money from others (I WAS LIKE TEN)
[x] You have/wished you could curse someone.

XI. Marluxia

[x] You like pink. (in moderation, yeah)
[x] You like flowers. (kind of?)
[ ] You are plotting to overthrow your superior.
[x] You were betrayed by someone.
[x] You are a bit of a flamboyant person.

XII. Larxene

[ ] You're the only female in your group.
[x] You like storms.
[x] You're pretty agile. (For being fat, yes.)
[x] You like to mock others.
[ ] You think ninjas are cool. (PIRATES ALL THE WAY, MAN)

XIII. Roxas

[ ] You love ice cream.
[x] You are the youngest of your group.
[x] You think people are hiding something from you. (Lol, yes, paranoid)
[x] You usually have strange dreams involving people you've never met.
[ ] You prefer afternoons rather than nights and mornings.